[Unholy] Confession of A sacrilegious pupil

Faith,

What is it.
Can we define it as something we simply trust. Or, a way of living a life. A commitment with ourselves. Or a handed down beliefs from our ancestors.

I am questioning it, too often- as a person who embrace a faith. Islam, how it's called. Honestly- I have no problem with any types of beliefs. Cause belief is always an abstract thing we can only see thru the person who practice it. And once again, unfortunately we weren't made to be perfect. I mean in embracing beliefs, there will always a shortcomings.

And Now, I live for being tested- as how it's said in the manual text book we read. Clemency, ritghtousness, and evil are having their own combat in here. Yes, right here beneath the layer of these skins. And our scholar commented on God's Revelation saying, فألهمها فجورها و تقواها "we inspires them by the evil and piousness"- by saying that each individual has their capabilities and chances in doing both- and it returns to each individuals to decide either which way they prefer to live their live.

I found it doubtful when I read the statement of the chosen prophet- we as muslim are entailed to follow. He says
"...... وَيَؤْمَرُ بِأَرْبَعِ كَلِمَاتٍ: بِكَتْبِ رِزْقِهِ وَأَجَلِهِ وَعَمَلِهِ وَشَقِيٌّ أَوْ سَعِيْدٌ ......"
(40 teachings of Islamic basis teaching by Nawawi). See the complete parts at islamweb.hadist

It means "and to be determined four decisions: decision of their blessings, endings, and deeds or his prosperous and woes".

So, it's already determined in the very start.  The scholar say this is "Jabariy" or simply means fatalism.

And the Interpretation are plenty- each and everything stand on the different positions. I wonder, I hate to gamble on taking one- but not taking anything means suicide. No! Not suicide, but- maybe infidel as the fundamentalist bigots used to labelled.

I was born and raise among them. Denounce means rejection and rejection means thread. I am not always religious cause but sometimes I feels like better when I feel close to God. I feel peaceful when I dive into of Muhammad (Peace be upon him) biography. I feel peace in this corpus of beliefs. And I can resist to love the teaching- frankly, I love and I respect the other belief as well in teaching goodness.

Now, I found myself were tested. I am tested, and the test is intricate. Cause I am a queer as a male- And I just keep it inside wishing my life wouldn't be ended like the people of Lot. Pathetically, it is always be the weapon against the people with certain misconduct, I mean by sensuality attraction. And well, as my friend might feel and I'll say I do.

I'll say that I have this as a part of my upbringing. Now I have no idea about the reaction will bring. I know there's a cure, and what I have within me is the real illness. But this illness I'll take for immune reason, yes I'm immune of the harshest temptation for men. But I need a lot of control over myself and the most important my mind to keep pure.

I know some are hiding inside and that is how they prefer. But I, God blesses me all this time by concealing this from the reach of people. But how can I get the cure if I don't consult. This is feels like a thirst that needs of quenching.

Is it my woes, no. In fact
It is my blessings.
God bless me,
Even when I hate it.